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Merry Christmas

24th. Dec, 2013 | 09:33 pm


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election day, #1

16th. Sep, 2013 | 01:35 pm

so yesterday were state-wide elections and yours truly went to vote, like a good citizen.

because I am also a boring hermit with nothing better to do, I documented the day in pictures.boring pics behind cutCollapse )

not all of the results are in yet (I'm interested in how the referedums will turn out) but it's the same ol', same ol' as far as the State Diet is concerned. My state ("Bundesland" if ya feelin learn-y today), Bavaria, is the most conservative and old-fashioned one in the whole country so everybody already knew what's up.

The previous elections in 2008 were actually the first in over half a century where the conservative party didn't get the absolute majority (it regained that position this year). This year's elections also held a record-breaking 14% (!!) of votes that will not be represented in the State Parliament (including mine), because of a lot of parties not making the 5% threshold that is needed to be a part of the State Diet.

Anyway, there's another election a week from now - the big, country-wide one. I hope it's gonna be the end of Angela Merkel as our president, but I'll just have to wait and see.

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15th. Sep, 2013 | 03:42 pm

I just started bawling and thinking about wanting to die because I couldn't put on my sock right away.

the last couple of days have been hell because my money is late and my meds have run out so now the more ugly symptoms of my depression have surfaced again. I wouldn't have thought such a drastic change could occur in such a short time but apparently my condition has worsened significantly.

my not having any money means that I can't get alcohol (or food) either so all my coping options are gone.

ever since the medication hasn't been in my system anymore,thoughts about my mother have taken its place.
about how un-graspable it is that she's dead.
about how it's impossible to turn back time.
about the things I've done, and more painfully, the things I didn't do since she died.
about how I failed her. so spectacularly that it boggles my own mind. I think the fact that I can't comprehend the scope of it is probably the only reason that I'm not making actual suicide plans. yet.

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let's try this to-do-list thing again...

12th. Sep, 2013 | 07:55 pm

for friday:
-bring coins to bank
-vacuum the flat
-scrub the graaaand (of the kitchen)
-get kitty treats
-wash and hang up laundry
-take out all the paper garbage
-make my bed
-contact my sister's housemates about her birthday
-write/find a form for my father
-call my unemployment agency lady
-find a cheap way to shit??


if anybody got ideas or advice for the last point (aside from caffeine) please let me know!

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11th. Sep, 2013 | 02:03 am

I was at the store this weekend picking up some groceries and there were fucking CHRISTMAS CANDLES in the aisles. I mean, it's fucking SEPTEMBER and there's christmas shit in the shops already. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

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7th. Sep, 2013 | 12:27 pm

1) I want to say that I'm just now going through all my notifications so if you get any replies or comments on older entries, it's me.

2) my darling lj friend Meagan's (fallen_angel65) birthday was last week, and I didn't get to congratulate her at the time because I was AWOL (see previous entry). so......
read moreCollapse )

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7th. Sep, 2013 | 12:13 pm

sorry for the long absence.

over the past week I've been whacked out of my mind on painkillers and was too busy feeling awful to do anything productive, like writing entries and shit.. so here's an update:

the day I posted the last entry I was on my way to the emergency room to get my foot looked at. I went to the hospital nearest to where I live (which is also the biggest in my city). I was getting around by public transportation, as I always do because I don't own a car (never even learned how to drive) and neither does anybody in my family. I had taken a fucking umbrella with me to use as a walking stick because my foot hurt so bad I couldn't put any pressure on it. even with the makeshift crutch I could hardly walk; I moved at the pace of a turtle, grunting and cursing, and limping like a fat pirate with a peg leg or something.

people must have thought I was some weird drunk or hobo or something but I was in too much pain to care.

so when I arrived at the hospital, and had traversed the sprawling grounds to get to the emergency room reception I was told that they can't treat me because apparently they're not the right kind of emergency room (??) and told me to go to a different hospital. so I was on my way to get to the hospital they told me to go to, only to discover that they gave me wrong information because the second hospital gave me the same story. they were much nicer there though, but still. so off I went to the third hospital where I was finally admitted to the waiting list for the emergency room.

after they x-rayed my swollen ass foot I was super fucking relieved to hear that I hadn't broken any bones and wouldn't need surgery. I have sprained my ankle, some minor tears in the ligaments and some hematomas. they put bandages on my foot, gave me crutches and pain meds and sent me on my merry way.

tl;dr: trying to get my injury treated turned into an oddysey of pain and frustration

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off to the hospital

30th. Aug, 2013 | 07:46 am

I just hope to god that there isnt any major damage.


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29th. Aug, 2013 | 03:55 pm


I was -for once- having a nice day and then the universe decides I don't deserve it and screws it all up. I was on the bus and when I got up to get off I twisted my foot and fell down. It hurt like a motherfucker but somehow I managed to get off the bus, maybe because a nice lady helped me up again after she heard me scream out in pain.

I've had little accidents like that before, and it hurts for an instant but then it goes away really quickly and I can just go about my business like nothing had happened. not this time. I sat on the bench at the bus stop for about half an hour, trying not to whimper too loudly, and one lady who sat next to me even started a conversation. she said she had foot troubles as well and talked about her compression socks or whatever, and I mentioned that my mother had similar troubles, with significant water retention. mind you, that was right before her death (but I didn't tell the lady that) and at some point during our conversation the woman asked me how old my mommy was and I said "she's 59 now", as if she weren't dead, and the lady replied something, and said that she's about to be 80. and all I could think of was about how could she possibly be here, chatting away at the bus staion, when my mommy was much younger than her and still had to die.

evenentually I managed to limp into the bus taking be back, and then limp home. I also made an appointment at the doctor's for tomorrow - I hope I'll be able to get there without too many problems.

FUCK. just when I was having a good day FOR ONCE this sort of shit happens. I just want to sleep, or better yet, re-start the day without making this stupid mistake. why isn't that possible :'[

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dog days are over

29th. Aug, 2013 | 09:55 am

now playing:

so august -and summer- is coming to an end and I'm fucking GIDDY with glee, y'all.
technically we're still in a summer month, but in my neck of the woods the weather's been cooling off for a little while now - which is why you probably haven't been hearing me moan about the heat as much as I usually do, ha.

the weird thing is that I've been obsessing all year about making some changes in my life, and the big magical finish line/deadline for those desired achievements was september. I've barely accomplished anything of what I wanted to do and I think it should sour my usual end-of-summer-start-of-autumn euphoria but it doesn't seem to (yet).

I guess it's because I've already felt like shit all summer, which is when I realized that I wasn't gonna be able to meet my goals, so I've already done penance for my failures then, if you will.

some entry-related pics after the cut

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happy birthday!

28th. Aug, 2013 | 02:58 pm

it's ickxx's birthday today so of course I want to give a lil shout out!
come & congratulateCollapse )

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27th. Aug, 2013 | 02:27 pm

so if you got notifications today about me commenting on your entries or replies, it's because I've been away from lj for a couple of days and am only now catching up.

just a little heads-up!

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22nd. Aug, 2013 | 04:14 pm

so the phone just rand and I had to pick up because the answering machine is full and it was the my case worker from the unemployment office.
she told me that I had two missed appointments and that my benefits are also running out this fall and I need to hand in the re-application for it.
I told her that I wasn't doing too well and had missed the appointments because I had been terrified to open the mail (she knows about my mental problems, which is why I was able to tell her the truth) and she was really nice and understanding about it and I started crying and I tried to hide it but I think she knew and she just kept on being so nice and now I'm sitting here bawling.

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22nd. Aug, 2013 | 03:03 pm

soooo. I plan to have two medium meals today and fast tomorrow and throughout the weekend. I don't know yet what and how I'm gonna do after that so I'll just take it from there.

what's everyone's weekend plans? mine are to find a way to remove the messed-up lock from my bike and that's pretty much it. it's so exciting being a hermit!

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21st. Aug, 2013 | 11:11 am

I just had a mini panick attack because someone rand the bell. Thank god it was just the postman but still....not a good way to start the day when I'm already hungover.

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20th. Aug, 2013 | 07:31 pm

so I broke my fast.

it all started with being drunk and having some shortbread lying aournd.

I'm still drunk again, which is probably the only reason I'm writing this.

to be perfectly honest, I'm contemplating going out and getting some food.

also, guess which drink I'm sipping on and I'll give you a prize*!

*prize in this case is a drunk fart, a lame postcard, or a sample of my cat's hair.


random thoughts:

- I did go and get food. sushi, to be exact.

- I broke my fucking bike lock. I stuck the key in and tried to turn it and then the key broke off.

- I want to fast again tomorrow but I'm too scared to say it in case I fuck up again.

- over half of the items of my to do list are still to be done

- I need to erase and re-write shit a multitude of times becasue I'm drunk.

- my phone serivce finall got fixed so yay!!

- that's all for now.

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19th. Aug, 2013 | 09:13 am

my to do list for today:it's longer than Obama's dickCollapse )

knowing me I probably will get barey 10% of this list done. why do I love making lists so much then??

EDIT: ahahahaha I got jack shit doen today. typical.

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17th. Aug, 2013 | 11:19 am

I still can't believe my mother's dead. I need my mommy!

ever since she died life has become this sentence that I'm just waiting to be over. I don't know how I'm supposed to live for several DECADES without her.

I get memories of things she said, places she went, experiences we shared, etc from the most random things. It's like the whole world is a minefield of mommy-memories.

she shouldn't have died. she didn't deserve to die and she certainly didn't deserve to die like this. If I had insisted on getting her to a doctor right away instead of the next day she would still be alive. I know she didn't want to die and I'm so sorry that I didn't prevent it.

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16th. Aug, 2013 | 08:26 pm

I've been drankin today so I'm feeling quite alright since the bad stuff can't touch me...

tomorrow it's the weekend and that's a relief since there's not gonna be any pesky calls or anything like that.

it's barely half past eight pm but I'm still gonna lie down and see if I'll fall asleep.

have a good day/evening/whatever it is, y'all!

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16th. Aug, 2013 | 10:17 am

so yesterday I felt so bad with the cramps and all that I took half a sleeping pill and went to bed at like 8 pm.

the upside of that is that I barely ate anything yesterday.

this morning the phone rang and when I saw "unknown number" in the display I decided I wasn't gonna answer it. but it has made me kind of nervous because I think it could have been the unemployment agency calling me about a missed appointment or something like that... when I finally cleaned up my room 3 days ago I sorted all the paperwork out and put all the letters in one pile and I saw that there were one or two from the unemployment agency there but I have real bad anxiety (in general) and a pretty bad fear of that place specifically so I've been putting off opening the letters.

I know this must sound ridiculous to a normal person but I'm so beyond being able to function that it feels like I can never even get out of it anymore and so the only thing left to do is to watch in silent panic as those pesky reminders from real life stack up and wait for it to explode on me.


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